kahlen from america’s next top model was our bartender last night. apparently she’s opening her own bar soon. i let her know that antm specifically made me suck at college sophomore year spring quarter, but for some reason it didn’t seem to bother her. womp.
the man that’s always in the union square subway station always keeps my commute interesting. every day he wears this gray sweatshirt with flames on it covered in different sayings. earlier this week it was “REPENT OR PERISH” and today it was something about HELLFIRE or BRIMSTONE or something. i only find it amusing because he clearly had a big batch of sweatshirts made with the same fiery HELLFIRE graphic. wwjd? he probably would have switched it up, dude.
“After all, we know Barack Obama has received multiple death threats — because he is black, of course, and because some of our fellow citizens think he’s a secret Muslim terrorist who is going to take the oath of office on the Koran and make us all pray to Mecca five times a day with that screechy music coming over the loudspeakers(?) and then he’ll crash Air Force One into the White House(?) and force our wives to wear those Muslim beekeeper helmets(?).”—david rees: journey to the center of hillary clinton’s mind: “why would i drop out before barack obama is assassinated?”
hawhawhahwh. wonkette commenters are funny. especially the comments about “racha el-ray” and her “keffiyaccino.” also i don’t think rachael ray is actually wearing a keffiyeh, that just looks like an ugly frilly scarf. the pattern is wrong.
i heard that common, broken social scene, and third eye blind are coming for dillo day at northwestern this year. i would probably kill to see third eye blind. seriously. and you know what’s really crazy? the amount of people that agree with me.
* You should never have to match your socks, other than to separate black from white; buy 18 pairs of identical socks in each color and throw them all out every six months. * Pants with pleats get cuffs; pants without, do not. * Avoid large faced watches if you have thin wrists. * Sunglasses may only be worn indoors after 1 a.m. * Carry around those small bottles of hand sanitizer and use some before you eat. * Business casual was invented to prevent younger people from dressing better than their bosses. Rebel and wear a suit or jeans. * If you need to put stuff in your hair to add shine or hold, you are washing your hair too often. * Yes, you do have to floss. * If you are handling a small baggy in a bathroom stall, face away from the open toilet and you will never drop it in there. * When a friend calls after a drunken night, never say, “You were so funny.” * Avoid staying out past midnight three nights in a row. * You can ignore the three-night rule if something really good comes up on the third night. * You will regret your tattoos. * If you wear a baseball cap in bars, the girls will suspect you are bald. * Go to more baseball games. * Time is too short to do your own laundry. * When the bartender asks, you should already know what you are ordering. * Learn how to speak before groups. * An undershirt will prevent you from perspiring through your overshirt. * Yes, you do have to go to the gym. * Complaining about other people smoking makes you an ass. * Stop talking about where you went to college. * When people don’t invite you to parties, you really shouldn’t go. * Sometimes even when you are invited, you shouldn’t go. * You can ignore those rules about parties if it is a really, really good party. * Drink plenty of coffee. * People are tired of you being the funny, drunk guy. * When in doubt, always kiss the girl. * Tip more than you should. * If a book is too big to carry around comfortably, cut it up and carry the pages you can read. * Yes, you do have to have your shoes shined. * It’s okay to arrive late. * You probably use your cell phone too often and at the wrong moments. * Do not spend very much money on sunglasses or umbrellas. You will lose them quickly. * Do thirty-push ups before you shower each morning. * Eat brunch with friends every other weekend. * Be a regular at a bar. * Read more. * And not just biographies. * If her friends hate you, it’s over. * A glass of wine with lunch will not ruin your day. * It’s better if old men cut your hair. * They should charge less than $20. * If you smoke pot, you probably smoke too much. * Learn how to fly-fish. * Ask for a salad instead of fries. * Pretty women who are unaccompanied want you to talk to them. Ask someone for an introduction. * You cannot always make amends with people. * Buy furniture that you think is too small for your apartment. It isn’t. * Cobblers will save your shoes. * Figure out what kind of knot you like in your ties and stick with it. * The first round of drinks is on you. * When a bartender buys you a round, tip double. * Hang your clothes up when you take them off. * Except sweaters. Those get folded. * Piercings are liabilities in fights. * You’ll regret much more the things you didn’t do than the things you did. * Do not buy the product insurance.
* Except for mobile phones. Always insure the phone.
* Celebrate mothers on Father’s Day, and father’s on Mother’s Day.
* You may remove your jacket and roll up your sleeves. The tie may not be loosened. * It’s not that you’re unphotogenic. That’s just how you look. * Do not use an electric razor. * Deserts are for women. Order one and pretend you don’t mind that she’s eating yours. * Keep rugs and carpets to a minimum. * Carry a pocket knife.
* Buy a tuxedo before you are thirty. Stay that size. * Subscribe to a small-circulation magazine. * It should have a cork-screw. The knife. Not the magazine. * One girlfriend is probably enough. * After one day of hanging, your tie should be rolled and placed in a drawer. * People will dance if the music is loud enough and the lights are dim enough. You should too.
* Throw parties. * But don’t clean up during or after your party. Hire someone else to come do that the next day, which you’ll be spending somewhere else.
* You may only request one song from the DJ. * Take pictures. One day it will be fun to laugh at them. * When you admire the work of artists or writers, tell them. * And spend money to acquire their work. * Sleep outdoors when you can. * Your clothes do not match. They go together. * Yes, you do have to buy her dinner. * Staying angry is a waste of energy. * Revenge can be a good way of getting over anger. * Go to the theater. * Always bring a bottle of something to the party. * Ask cab drivers not to speak on the phone. * When the bouncer says it’s time for you to leave, it is. * Do not make a second date while you are still on your first. * Avoid the “last” glass of whiskey. You’ve probably had enough. * If you are wittier than you are handsome, avoid very loud clubs. * Drink outdoors. * Drink during the day. * Date women outside your social set. You’ll be surprised. * If it’s got velvet ropes and lines, walk away unless you know someone. * You should probably walk away anyway. * See more bands than you have been. * You cannot have a love affair with whiskey because whiskey will never love you back. * Place-dropping is worse than name dropping. * The New Yorker is not a high-brow magazine. * You aren’t really a great DJ. Those people are dancing because they are drunk. * Don’t let that discourage you. If they’re having fun, you are doing your job. * If you believe in evolution, you should know something about how it works. * No-one cares if you are offended, so stop it. * Eating out alone can be magnificent. Find a place where you can eat at the bar. * Get out of the city every now and then. The parties you miss won’t miss you. And you won’t really miss them either. * Never date an ex of your friend.
(My apologies to those of you who have seen the earlier version of this.)
i left a cupcake out in the hallway today for a post-work snack and somebody stole it. who does that? unfortunately for the culprit i had already taken two HUGE licks of the frosting. very noticeable licks. idiots. also, i have a cold.
the back of my “earth day limited edition” metrocard (which is of course not recyclable. nice) tells me that i have roughly 1/4 the carbon footprint of the average american. also, it took me two hours to get home from work today. thanks mta.?
i went to dc this weekend and it was great. i also watched the lives of others (das leben der anderen) with the peeler fam last night and shoveled my face with hot homemade fudge sauce & ice cream. sigh, life. the movie was so wonderful that i was inspired to sign up for netflix. i’m geeked.
since we don’t listen to the radio anymore, or go to the deuce every thursday, i never hear any new guilty pop pleasures. luckily i was lounging in a cafe last weekend reading a book and this song came on. and all of a sudden EVERYONE was dancing. it was like a dave chappelle skit. i mean, everyone. even the angry butch barista wanted to make love in the club. it was bangin. kinda like this song.
last night mai and i went to a legitimate metal bar. they were blasting like, slayer. and pantera. it was great. i also got my first gigantor bug bite of the season while lounging on the back deck. hello summer.